"Stay. Don't run" said the Man

this one is a tad long. 

----

The boy hadn’t made a decision. He was standing over the bed with shaking hands. The man came into the door frame quietly. He put his right hand up on the frame and spoke lightly.

“You running? Because your bags look packed from here.”

There was no response from the boy.

“It’s alright if you go. No one expects you to stay around here. Not your family and especially not your friends. We all understand actually. We may not know it perfectly, but, kid, we understand. We want you to be safe. We want you to be okay with all that has happened and all the choices you have made”

The boy was quietly kneading wrinkles into the edges of a shirt in the suitcase with his fingers,

“You’re such an optimist. And eternal optimist and lately we’ve all noticed some of the sadness. You are down on yourself more. What happened? Is it something we did?”

The man knew it was not his actions this time. He spoke and came to realizations at the same time.

“Kid, we love and support any decision you make. It seems like its been a rough year or more for you and in a way none of us are really aware of, at least it seems. And God knows we definitely miss you. But you are not the same. We used to force you to grow up. And now you have taken it upon yourself, haven’t you? You grew up so fast and took on such change at lightning speed, huh? You now actually don’t know where the time went. We are so sorry. I know it’s no comfort, but we didn’t know what we were doing and you seem like you got a much smarter head on those shoulders. Something at least clicks a little better with you. Kid, we miss you and we know you could go, but I think I want to tell you to stay. Stay for a little while longer”

The boy’s face turned up in surprise. His eyes widened with sadness and question.

“Maybe you should stay. I know its dark where you are at and I know the insecurities are much brighter here, but it might a good place to just stay. You’re tired. Your eyes tell more than your soul now. They show us dark ovals of sleepless night due to homework, worry and daydreams. There is a flicker deep, deep beneath those grey circles. You’ve done this sort of facing the hard stuff very quietly for a long time. You didn’t victimize yourself, you just pushed it. And we see it’s beginning to crack, kid. We see. And now I am here to tell you that you are stronger than you know. You’re definitely stronger than us. And it is what we put you through that made you this way. Your pain gave you that tenacity, that edge that we loved and feared in you. And kid, we thank you for never giving up on us. We probably should have been screamed at and slapped around and we sure as hell would have deserved it. And kid, we thank you for staying there.

And this is the benefit of staying. It will get you closer to that man you want to become. I think you will get there if you stay. I’ve heard your dream of a man with patience and smart and genuine and a little goofy and loving and found success without compromising his compassion for others. A man of extreme influence and tells stories the right way. That man, I tell you, kid, that man is coming. But you cannot run away to him. He is being shaped here. We see it. I don’t know if you can, but we can. And right now before you is the choice to keep creating this man. Do not wait, kid. Do not choose next week or tomorrow to get better. You have to lay down the foundation for what you will become now.

I know you want to run, but stay please. Let your heart get broken one more time. Find the joy in your darkness without giving into it. Search around here and tire yourself out one last time. At least for a bit. You’ll be back up at the fight soon. But right now, stay, kid. Stay here and feel it all”

Finally the boy cried. He wasn’t sure why entirely, but he didn’t need the explanation. Not this time. He was growing up and going through it. He smiled and with jolted laughter he shook off some of the tears. He was an optimist and kept his heart bright even through all the uncontrollables and unknowns.

The Man wasn’t sure what to do now, so he left as quietly as he entered.    

 

"You mean the slightest bit" she said

he was looking down and she was looking down on him

"There is always something smaller and always something bigger. It's nature. It's the way things are. And you need to learn this quickly. My boy, you are fighting a battle you will not win. And you must find the comfort in losing. Fast. That heart of yours might have to close back up for awhile. You thought it was safe, but I'm telling you, you didn't matter. I am sorry to be the one to break it to you and it is probably ironic that i am, but i am. You, my boy, are nothing at this point. Maybe sometime later, when you grow up, you will be, but now, right now, in this moment, you are not. You do not mean as much you think or want. Maybe in three months, or a year or five years you can finally pass over that hump, but until then, my boy, you are nothing. You mean the slightest. The littlest bit. But definitely not enough to stop someone in their tracks. Maybe not even enough to make them hesitate. And deep down inside you know that i am saying this out of love for you. And i mean it. You simply want that meaning. Boy, you do not matter that much. They will make fun of small things you say. Things you thought were jokes shared privately or in companionship. They will not care or budge at your feelings. They will talk about you with little feeling. But my boy, that is the way it is. And here is your strength. You keep going. You willingly, because it is your choice and you know it, you willingly present yourself everyday and offer what you have and make your small request and, you, knowingly, will get shut down. You do this. You keep doing this. You already know the hurt of it. You already know the fear of it. They don't. They don't see your side. And they won't. They will not change it seems. Maybe in the future, maybe three months, a year or five years from now they will. But remember, right now, in this moment, they do not see you and you do not matter, but you must, in this moment, now, keep going. I trust you. And I see that great strength in you. You smile genuinely and I am proud of you for that. But keep going. My boy, do you understand?"

he did. he confirmed his understanding by shaking his head yes. He also acknowledged his shaken state by not making eye contact. He thanked her. She paid for breakfast because she said that was her job and felt like she hadn't been taking care of him lately. Then She left.  

rock and stroll

"You said that you believed in me
And would burn for your beliefs
I watched you burn
Burn for me"

-rainer maria

----

i like the way we walk next to each other

of the hundred things, i choose this one. 

whether i'm goose bumped from a too-damn-cold may

or may(be) we are barely swiping backs of hands as our arms swing

either way, on any day, when our feet are talking the rest of me bounces a little more

and almost always we saunter to different rhythms and strides

but it causes little strife

so i find myself walking turned to the side with you

like story telling to children by children

we stop to act things out 

or for you to practice your balance beam act on flower bed curbs

its where we talk the most 

its where i let go the most

its where we discover the most, i think. 

and its where i see you the most

backlit by a sun setting and the night air turning your skin darker blue

stepping next to you is simple. 

its a skipping waltzing

or fumbling for thoughts like a kid thumbing through his pockets for little toys

every time we touch the littlest

its simple

its something

its walking

----

"I could have set you free
But I watched you burn

I could have set you free"