"Just enough" said the rain.

He walked at a pace that meant he didn’t have to be anywhere. But it was raining. He walked differently than anybody else around him. A few times the local bus splashed by offering a seat and a break from being wet. Each time he denied the hospitality. He wanted the rain. He walked with his hood off and his jacket open. His hands even swayed outside of his pockets. The rain was an ally. It wasn’t dramatic, just constant. It came down just enough to make him feel awake and weigh down his hair. The rain and the man were determined to wash away winter and begin a spring. Even if it came at the expense of darkness and dampness. Again the man felt God was alive and wanted him to have fun. This walk would not free him of his doubts or worries nor would it grant him wishes or uncover deep truths nor would it make him feel better. It would allow him to feel just for a few blocks. 14 in fact. 14 blocks of being alive and wet and more in tune. 

 

"This is not an underestimation!" he said

They were out to coffee (actually outside too. most likely in the sun) and he held his cup with both hands. Her cup simply sat on the table. She would drink it when she needed to. He used his to gesture. Especially when he was in the middle of this great statement: 

“Every time I see you I forget how pretty you are because these daydreams of mine can never quite match up. And this is not an underestimation! but rather the reality of who you are is far more appealing than any made up fantasy this man (referring to himself cleverly) can imagine. And I know you can’t take compliments. (the next statement he says because he thinks he knows her) Not well anyway . So I pray you don't see this as unspecific flattery that can very rarely be trusted, but as a conviction that maybe I should take up less dreams and enjoy more true images that lay before me. like the way I swear our smiles happen together and—” 

She said, “You say too much sometimes” with a smile

“Ouch” he says with a good mix of hurt, sarcasm and an attempt to smile through his rejection.

“I promise I’m flattered” A moment goes by.

“Well sure, but you could at least let me say it,” he throws out like a small kid.

“Believe me I know it. I knew it the first time you spent all your energy listening to me”

That’s not good enough for him. She smiles. He sulks. She smiles more and does not look away from him. Her look dares him to make eye contact. If he did it would be too hard to keep his grumbly way. She does not falter. He laughs at her and then himself. 

 

"Please don't be" she said.

this is a dream i had a long time ago and i wrote it down recently and so i wrote it down again here.

---

They could see the darkness in the bedroom better than they could see each other. It was the fourth hour they had been talking and one of them was feeling like they needed to say something. 

He said with great earnest: “—I can be perfect for you. I can boyfriend-song-and-dance better than all of them. I can be perfect for you”

She stopped for a moment with her mouth just barely open and breathing. Then turned quietly and quite deliberately: “Please don’t be. I never asked that. I never asked that because I know where that, that, feeling comes from. I know why you are telling me this. Please, don’t be scared of me. I can see you are. And don’t be scared of me please. I’m pretty tiny and you’re bigger (she smiled here because she knows she is funny and a little cute).  Dream of the good times we’ve already had. Not the worry of something not working out. Not the worry of something that never got a chance to develop. Not the fear. If you’re gonna think of me, then think of the time we heard the birds chirp for the first time. Think of the way I scratched your back lightly with my little fingernails. Think of the time you listened to me tell stories about my father at the pool hall. Don't be afraid of me. I fear you too. But a relationship based in your fear and your compensation is not a relationship I want to be apart of. I would, however, love to be apart of you. Don’t exaggerate me. Don’t. Don’t dream me. Keep me in your reality and the ten feet in front of you and the sharpness of your dropping eyes. Please don’t fear me. I don’t want to be apart of that. Be apart of me. we’ll figure this out. It won’t end how you hoped, dreamed, loved, but we’ll find a way. Just listen to me and tell me. And remember me for who I am, not how you felt about me”

He understood her somehow. He shook his head, “I know. and I promise you I can—”

“No,” she interjected, “I don’t want to hear what you promise”

“Then at least hear that 4 times tonight I’ve been afraid of you,” the suddenness of his own voice caught them both off guard, “Terrified of what you thought of me and what’s worse is I know that you should mean nothing to me because I don’t know you. But you do. You do. Maybe I’m crazy. But what I see in you is someone calm and explosive. Someone I don’t know. Someone with great courage who can sit in a moment and not have to think her whole goddamn way through it. It’s amazing. To me anyway. And I’ve been trying to find the best way to impress you or flirt with you or make you smile. Like I need to make you laugh, ya know? To make you like me. And I know how I should be. I know myself. I know you’d like me. I know I could be kind enough and strong enough and smart enough for you to be proud of. I know I can. I know that you’d like me”

“Don’t prove it. It’s so ridiculous. Just sit with me please and don’t worry” she consoled with an undertone of frustrated urgency.

He saw her eyes and the grey outline of her thick hair. He shook his head shortly from side to side knowing that no matter what he said it would be forced and if he kissed her now it would seem silly...And there it all was! All that he was thinking, stopping him from sitting with her. So he stopped, slumped down to her pillow, reached for her hand and sat for a moment. Kissed her shoulder as a thank you and put his head down. She bent over him and found his mouth, pressed her lips to his without much effort and with eyes closed. And there he felt her lips stretch out like arms into a smile. He let out a breathy laugh  and let the full weight of her head rest on his chest where he kissed the top of her head and they forgot how they fell asleep.

 

love me like I'm (unfinished)

love me like i'm

gonna hurt you later on

love me like a too short hair cut;

the one you knew shouldn't have happened

the one you were always nervous for

love me like snowmen melting

love me like grapes love the vine,

grab and hold on to me until you're ready

and big

then you'll be plucked and i'll be left without the beautiful part

love me like birthday cards,

read me

check me for money

laugh at my song and punch line

hear my endearing thoughts

then discard me

if i'm lucky i'll end up in your keepsake drawer 

love me like I have no ambition,

and you have to wake MY lazy ass up every morning

be the first to dream and chase and insist and tell the story

love me like rhyme schemes,

like really pretty, but too much is like, really annoying

love me like a week old band-aid,

soon your body will learn to scab 

and you'll pull me off real quick

we'll both hurt less

love me like burning hemp fields,

getting the air and everyone around really high

but leaving ruin on the ground below

love me like a puzzle missing 6 pieces

love me like you have no tomorrow with me

And i will love YOU like waves to seashells 

I'll work you over and smooth you out (but keep all your natural colors)

I'll make you clean and hold you deep inside my chest

wavering and washing in warmth. 

crack my ribs and (unfinished)

crack my ribs and

set this golden hummingbird free-

soaring out dangerously-

spreading its wings of kerosine-

infecting and flaring the night with its tearing light-

shouting at the darkness

"go away

go away!

leave him alone.

leave this boy alone!

he MUST know what it means to be protected"