They could see the darkness in the bedroom better than they could see each other. It was the fourth hour they had been talking and one of them was feeling like they needed to say something.
He said with great earnest: “—I can be perfect for you. I can boyfriend-song-and-dance better than all of them. I can be perfect for you”
She stopped for a moment with her mouth just barely open and breathing. Then turned quietly and quite deliberately: “Please don’t be. I never asked that. I never asked that because I know where that, that, feeling comes from. I know why you are telling me this. Please, don’t be scared of me. I can see you are. And don’t be scared of me please. I’m pretty tiny and you’re bigger (she smiled here because she knows she is funny and a little cute). Dream of the good times we’ve already had. Not the worry of something not working out. Not the worry of something that never got a chance to develop. Not the fear. If you’re gonna think of me, then think of the time we heard the birds chirp for the first time. Think of the way I scratched your back lightly with my little fingernails. Think of the time you listened to me tell stories about my father at the pool hall. Don't be afraid of me. I fear you too. But a relationship based in your fear and your compensation is not a relationship I want to be apart of. I would, however, love to be apart of you. Don’t exaggerate me. Don’t. Don’t dream me. Keep me in your reality and the ten feet in front of you and the sharpness of your dropping eyes. Please don’t fear me. I don’t want to be apart of that. Be apart of me. we’ll figure this out. It won’t end how you hoped, dreamed, loved, but we’ll find a way. Just listen to me and tell me. And remember me for who I am, not how you felt about me”
He understood her somehow. He shook his head, “I know. and I promise you I can—”
“No,” she interjected, “I don’t want to hear what you promise”
“Then at least hear that 4 times tonight I’ve been afraid of you,” the suddenness of his own voice caught them both off guard, “Terrified of what you thought of me and what’s worse is I know that you should mean nothing to me because I don’t know you. But you do. You do. Maybe I’m crazy. But what I see in you is someone calm and explosive. Someone I don’t know. Someone with great courage who can sit in a moment and not have to think her whole goddamn way through it. It’s amazing. To me anyway. And I’ve been trying to find the best way to impress you or flirt with you or make you smile. Like I need to make you laugh, ya know? To make you like me. And I know how I should be. I know myself. I know you’d like me. I know I could be kind enough and strong enough and smart enough for you to be proud of. I know I can. I know that you’d like me”
“Don’t prove it. It’s so ridiculous. Just sit with me please and don’t worry” she consoled with an undertone of frustrated urgency.
He saw her eyes and the grey outline of her thick hair. He shook his head shortly from side to side knowing that no matter what he said it would be forced and if he kissed her now it would seem silly...And there it all was! All that he was thinking, stopping him from sitting with her. So he stopped, slumped down to her pillow, reached for her hand and sat for a moment. Kissed her shoulder as a thank you and put his head down. She bent over him and found his mouth, pressed her lips to his without much effort and with eyes closed. And there he felt her lips stretch out like arms into a smile. He let out a breathy laugh and let the full weight of her head rest on his chest where he kissed the top of her head and they forgot how they fell asleep.
2 comments:
That was beautiful and all that I wish for you. A companion who demands you sit with her. Strength and tenderness. Beauty and courage.
Mmmmmmm. Good.
thanks, j. It was dream that i also hope one day happens. And i know this realm and this dream exists within me and that it is definitely something i would love to be apart of. Thanks for still reading brudder.
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